shiftless when idle (mega-bust!)

This past week was my first and last Megabus experience. It all started innocently enough at the corner of 11th and G. Unsurprisingly, the party got off to a bumpy start that involved me sitting on a non-air conditioned bus for 30 minutes. The driver kept explaining that she couldn’t put the bus on because she got a summons for “idling” earlier today. Turns out the hold up was a gentleman on the phone with the bus company who was unsure as to whether this was his bus. I myself had a similar confusion (we’ll get to this later) but decided that 15 minutes after the bus was supposed to leave was not the appropriate time to be contacting the company and making arrangements.
I sat in the second to last row and it smelt like manure. Also, the seat/bench I was sitting on swiveled leaving me to swirl around every time the driver moved abruptly. This was a problem as I’d characterize this woman’s driving style as heavily influenced by free jazz. The bus had short bursts of power and then stopped on a dime, following no traffic pattern I’m familiar with.
The bus was filled with tourists which wasn’t really an issue until we got into the New York area and then people’s view became important. A man in front of me ate something that by its pungent odor and general shape could only be described as a cheese patty (Think beef patty/rice cake with a smell of cheese). Every time he ate one, I would look up from my book because the stench had taken hold. This happened three times. He told stories about getting ridiculed in DC about his Rangers baseball hat. If a Capitals/Rangers rivalry exists, it is not recognized by the fine sports fact gathering folks at Wikipedia making this not completely implausible but kind of suspicious. What other lies was he telling? Three very nice individuals from South Dakota sat behind me and asked me for advice on where to go. I told them to avoid Times Square and to eat at John’s Pizzeria on Bleeker. After living in New York for about two decades, these are the only suggestions I can muster up when pressed. I also told them not to trust anyone’s directions because invariably they are wrong. Only in New York!
In the scope of bus rides, the ride home was a nightmare. Cell phone use was out of control with the loudest perpetrator seated directly behind me. He seemed to be desperate to talk considering the two people he did call had not known he was in New York that weekend. He carried on basically the same conversation twice, mentioning that he had a 15 minute presentation coming up and that his work concerned Aviation and Belgium. Apparently, it’s his job to make sure Belgium turns a profit with their air travel? I am not sure. I also found it odd that the recipients of these calls did not know what this man’s job entailed, leaving me to assume once again that this man was seriously reaching out to second perhaps third string friends on this bus ride. Other things I now know about this individual include: he doesn’t like to listen (as demonstrated by his incessant yammering), he thinks that the MoMA is something to “see once and that’s it,” and he enjoys kicking the seat in front of him. At the time my mind was racing trying to wish harm upon him and his family but my rage has since subsided.
Now faithful readers I will state 5 reasons why you should boycott using the Megabus line:
1) There is no flexibility to reschedule without incurring a fee. This is currently not the case with Bolt, Greyhound, Apex or DC2NY. I paid ten dollars to change my bus for another two hours earlier.
2) They stop at rest stops in New Jersey to “change drivers.” Why this is necessary for a 5 hour trip is beyond me. How the other driver gets to this rest stop without abandoning another bus/ and how they get home is a mystery although I’m pretty sure the explanation involves the phrase “park and ride.”
3) Cell phone use is not discouraged/ drivers do not verbally shame those who do it. This is a real problem that has the potential to become an epidemic.
4) There is no way to know whether the bus you are on is express to NYC or instead stops at White Marsh Maryland. One bus I took stopped while the other did not.
5) My friend Pia missed out on seeing Wire because of their mega-incompetence. This could happen to you or YOUR friend Pia!
Please share your stories if you have them…we’re here to listen.
-m